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The mental load of motherhood, all that invisible labor involved in raising children and running a house, doesn’t get any lighter when your husband says “do you need help?”. Or worse, when you have to ask him to help.
Yet our husbands just don’t seem to get it.
How do you explain the mental load to your husband?
How do you share the mental load with him?
Better yet, why is it our responsibility to figure this out?
Well moms, that’s why I didn’t write this article for you.
This article is for your husband.
Tag him in it on Facebook . Send it to him in an email. Print it off, make it into a paper airplane and throw it at his head while he’s napping on the couch.
Do whatever you need to do to get him to read it because it’s time for our husbands to stop leaving all of this invisible labor for us.
For the Husbands
You may think you’re being helpful when you ask your wife what you can do to help her.
You’re not.
All you’re doing is confirming that she is responsible for all the invisible labor she is already struggling with.
What we moms would like, is for you to take the initiative to learn how to help without being told or asked.
We don’t want to have to assign you chores like you’re an employee or our child.
What we want is for you to know what needs to be done and to just do it.
We would like you to start sharing some of this overwhelming mental load caused by all the invisible labor that was somehow automatically assigned to us when the kids were born.
So, dear husbands, it is time for you to step up.
What Is the Mental Load?
The mental load of motherhood is all the “invisible labor” that’s involved in running a household and raising kids.
It is the behind the scenes planning, organizing, scheduling, problem-solving, decision making, remembering and just thinking about or noticing what needs to be done.
It is all the tasks on the mental to-do lists that flood our minds all day. Tasks that you probably don’t even realize we do.
If this isn’t giving you a clear picture of what the mental load of motherhood is, check out this popular mental load cartoon or the book “The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic.“
What Are the Effects of This Mental Load?
According to this study, the mental load of motherhood can cause moms to feel empty and overloaded and impacts their satisfaction with life and with their relationship/partners.
Yes, husbands, this unfair balance of mental load in your relationship is leaving your wife unsatisfied with your marriage, and with you.
And it is exhausting us.
By the end of the day we have no energy for the hobbies we used to have before having kids, or even to spend time with you.
We are so mentally drained that all we can manage to do once the kids are in bed is lay on the couch with Netflix or a book or maybe take a bath.
We call this “self-care”, but really it is self-preservation.
Why Having to Tell You How to Help Doesn’t Help
“You didn’t ask for help” is not an excuse for your lack of effort to help.
If your wife looked stressed while she was running around the house trying to get everything done before bed time or to get everything ready for an outing, she needs help.
There is no excuse for you not to notice that.
Our mental load doesn’t have any room to add “ask husband to help” to our never-ending to-do list.
“But I do some of the chores too”.
Sure, maybe you help with the cleaning, but are you responsible for making sure it gets done?
If you forget about the dishes and they’re still sitting in the sink at 10 pm, who makes sure they get done?
If your wife has to remind you to do them, who is really responsible for that chore?
Having to “manage” you helping us with the chores is more invisible labor that is added to our mental load.
That doesn’t help us.
What Help Do Moms Actually Need?
We need you to share some of this mental load with us.
I know what you’re thinking, “but I don’t know how”.
Well, guess what?
No one trained us on how to manage and run a household either.
It’s time for you to figure it out just like we did.
You can start by paying attention.
Here are some other suggestions to get you started.
- See when we are swamped. If your wife looks stressed or hasn’t stopped moving since you (or she) got home from work, she is swamped.
- Know what needs to be done that day/night. Figure out what the everyday tasks are that your wife does and start doing some of them.
- Look for what still needs to be done. Have lunches been made yet? Does anything need to be cleaned? Find what still needs to be done and do it.
- Know what needs to be planned. Vacations, school events, birthdays, Christmas. These things enter your wife’s mental to-do list long before they need to be done. Add them to yours too.
- Know where things are. You live here too, stop asking where stuff is.
- Know what’s going on with the kids. Do they have a playdate/soccer game/play rehearsal this weekend? Offer to drive them to it.
- Know what your kids need. You can see that your kid’s coat is too tight too. Take them to buy a new one.
- Tell us when we are low on things we don’t use. Your wife doesn’t monitor your deodorant or shampoo, so tell her when you’re low or go buy more yourself.
- Know how to do things. We don’t have time to give you step by step instructions on how to do the chores. If you are going to help pack the kid’s lunches, you need to know what to put in them. Pay attention to these things.
- Actually take over responsibility for some things. Don’t just help with the cleaning, take over the responsibility for specific chores. You can even outsource the chore to the kids if you want to, just as long as you’re responsible for making sure it gets done every day.
Now, guys, this is not a definitive list of how to ease the mental load your wife carries.
I don’t know everything on your wife’s mental load, and if she sent you this post you obviously don’t either.
At some point, you actually need to take the initiative to talk to her and offer to take over responsibility for some things.
But don’t try to start that conversation while she’s frantically trying to get things done, or exhausted after doing it all herself.
Want to impress your wife?
Arrange a babysitter and take her on a relaxing date before you ask her what responsibilities you can take over for her.
Sincerely,
A wife who is fed up with doing all the invisible labor and carrying the mental load of motherhood alone.
Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook so you don’t miss any future “Dear Husband” letters and to see what else I learn on my journey to live a healthier and happier life.