Husband Addicted to Video Games? (How I Got Mine to Quit)

Do video games ruin relationships?

Ask a wife who has a husband addicted to video games.

Can gaming ruin your life?

Ask a man whose wife left him because of his video game addiction.

Most of the time when someone says video game addiction, what they really mean is excessive gaming.  What a lot of people don’t realize is that video game addiction is a real thing.

For some husbands (and boyfriends), it’s not just excessive gaming. 

It is a real addiction.

If you’ve ever thought “my husband would rather play video games than spend time with me” or even “I want to leave my husband because of video games”, keep reading to learn how to tell if his gaming is just excessive or a true addiction (and what you can do about it).

My name is Heidi and my husband is a video game addict.

It took me 15 years to realize that.

We’ve been married for 13.

No, I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that video games were an issue in our relationship.

The “my boyfriend plays video games and ignores me” issue was there when we were dating too.

What took me 15 years to realize, was that my husband is addicted to video games.

It wasn’t until 6 months into our healing separation, when our marriage was on the verge of divorce, that I realized that gaming wasn’t something he could control.

He had a real video game addiction.

Is Video Game Addiction A Real Thing?

Video game addiction, also known as gaming disorder or internet gaming disorder, is just as real as any other addiction.

The American Psychiatric Association does not yet classify video game addiction as a disorder, but they did list it as a condition that requires further study in the 2013 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

While it is not officially recognized yet by the AAP, it is recognized by the World Health Organization.  In 2018 WHO included gaming disorder as a mental health condition in the 11th edition of the International Classification of Diseases.

How Do Video Games Affect the Brain Negatively?

The 2015 study New Developments on The Neurobiological And Pharmaco‐Genetic Mechanisms Underlying Internet And Videogame Addiction looked at brain imaging studies done on internet addiction and video game addiction.

This study showed that long-term internet gaming impacted the areas of the brain responsible for reward, impulse control, and sensory-motor coordination. 

It concluded that “Videogame playing may be supported by similar neural mechanisms underlying drug abuse. Similar to drug and alcohol abuse, internet addiction results in sub‐sensitivity of dopamine reward mechanisms.”

How Common Is Video Game Addiction?

According to the 2016 study Cross‐Sectional and Longitudinal Epidemiological Studies of Internet Gaming Disorder: A Systematic Review Of The Literature, the prevalence of internet gaming disorder ranges from 0.7% to 27.5%.

The results showed that video game addiction was more common in males than in females, and some studies showed it was more common in younger people as well.

Signs of Video Game Addiction

What are the symptoms of someone who is addicted to computer games, phone games or other video games?

According to the criteria set out in the DSM-5, an internet gaming disorder diagnosis would require experiencing 5 or more of the following symptoms within one year.

• Preoccupation with gaming
• Withdrawal symptoms when gaming is taken away or not possible (sadness, anxiety, irritability)
• Tolerance, the need to spend more time gaming to satisfy the urge
• Inability to reduce playing, unsuccessful attempts to quit gaming
• Giving up other activities, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities due to gaming
• Continuing to game despite problems
• Deceiving family members or others about the amount of time spent on gaming
• The use of gaming to relieve negative moods, such as guilt or hopelessness
• Risk, having jeopardized or lost a job or relationship due to gaming

Is Your Husband Addicted to Video Games?

So, what do you do when your husband is obsessed with video games?

You figure out if gaming is a hobby or an addiction for your husband.

Do you feel like gaming is your husband’s first priority?

Have you asked him to play less, but nothing changes?

Maybe he’s even told you he doesn’t know how to stop playing video games.

Does he know that gaming is causing problems to your relationship, and maybe even in other areas of his life, and he still won’t stop?

If your husband knows that his gaming is a problem, but still can’t stop or control it, he may actually be addicted to video games.

How Video Games Affect Relationships

Whether your husband is truly addicted to video games, or just plays excessively, the effect on your relationship will likely be the same.

How Video Games Ruin Relationships

• The gamer may neglect their responsibilities, leaving their spouse with all the parenting and household responsibilities, which may cause resentment.
• The gamer may choose to talk to online friends over talking to their spouse.
• The gamer may become obsessed with the game, making all conversations with their spouse about the game.
• The gamer may choose to stay home to game instead of going out with their spouse to social events or family gatherings.  
• The gamer may be so focused on the game, they miss their spouse’s attempts to talk to them. 
• The gamer may become irrationally angry at their spouse for trying to talk to them when playing since online games can’t be paused.
• The gamer may become angry at or frustrated with the game and take it out on their spouse.
• Excessive gaming may become a major source of conflict in the relationship, leading to increased fights.
• The emotional connection will fade, as the gamer spends more time gaming and less time with their spouse. 
• Even if the spouse joins the gamer and plays with them, this time spent together is not quality time and will not involve the meaningful conversations that are needed to maintain an emotional connection.
• The gamer may eventually become depressed by real life, and feel that the only fun and exciting thing in their life is their games, which can lead to them pulling farther away from their spouse.

Can Video Games Ruin A Marriage?

Obviously, video games can cause a lot of problems in relationships, but can video games ruin a marriage?

The study Me, My Spouse, and My Avatar, states “70 to 75% of the independent-gamer couples in this study reported that their marriages had been negatively affected by gaming”.

Sometimes these negative effects on the marriage ruin the relationship to the point of it becoming irreparable.  

An article published on Divorce.co.uk in September 2018 claimed that 5% of the 4,665 divorce petitions they had received since January 2018 listed Fortnite and other online games as one of the reasons for the divorce.

Video games, whether it is just excessive gaming or a video game disorder, can and do ruin marriages. 

How Do I Get Him to Stop Playing Games?

So, what should you do if your husband is addicted to video games?

If your husband is addicted to video games, you need to understand that he can’t control it.

And neither can you.

So, how do you stop video game addiction?

Like any addiction, the first step for recovery is for your husband to admit he is addicted.

You can talk to him about it and tell him that you think he is addicted (more on that below), but until he is ready to admit that he has no power over his gaming, you won’t be able to convince him to quit and seek video game addiction treatment.

Quitting has to be his choice.

What You Can Do When Your Husband Is Addicted to Video Games

When your spouse is an addict the only thing you can do is chose to live with it (while making sure you are not enabling him) until he is ready to quit or be prepared to leave him if he won’t.

If you chose to wait it out with him, you need to focus on taking care of yourself.  

Start by finding support for you.

You aren’t alone.

There is a whole community of spouses of video game addicts that are going through the same thing you are.

You will find them all at On-line Gamers Anonymous (OLGA).

Like al-anon, they provide support to family members of video game addicts. They have a public forum and a private forum (you will need to create an account to access that one) just for spouses to ask questions or vent.  They also offer weekly online chat meetings.

The resources on OLGA will also help you to understand what you may be doing to enable your husband’s video game addiction and how to stop.

Divorce Over Video Games?

“My wife left me because of video games”.

This may be where you see your marriage heading after reading through the advice and forums on OLGA.

While many spouses chose to learn to live their own lives (while their partners live virtual ones), some of us just can’t agree to live that way.

For those of us that can’t accept a life alone in a marriage, we instead have to accept that we may lose our marriage.

There’s a chance that realizing his marriage is at risk may be enough for your husband to admit he is addicted. But before you take that step, you need to be prepared that it may not be.

I won’t lie.

This is a hard decision to make.

But if you aren’t willing to live with this addiction until he is ready to get help for it, your only choice is to be willing to walk away from it and live without your marriage.

Sometimes giving your spouse an ultimatum will be enough for him to quit, but if he hasn’t actually admitted to being addicted, chances are he will go back to gaming. 

If you tell your husband that your marriage will be over if he continues to (or goes back to) gaming, you need to be sure that you can follow through on it.

A Video Game Addiction Intervention

Whether you’ve decided that you are going to learn to live with your husband’s gaming addiction, or that you would rather leave your marriage than continue to live this way, you need to confront him about his addiction and the problems it is causing.

Do not try to talk to your husband about this while he is gaming.

His focus will be on getting back to the game, not on what you are saying or how you are feeling. He may also be angry at you for interrupting his game and react poorly to anything you say.

Instead plan a time to talk to him when his head won’t be in the game.

If he is always playing, ask him to set aside a time to talk to you sometime this week. 

Prepare what you will say to him ahead of time.  Read through the OLGA forums so you are prepared for how he will react, and the things he will say to deny he is addicted.

Your husband is likely oblivious to the fact that video game addiction is a real addiction. If you expect that he won’t believe what you’re saying print off some of the information from the OLGA site about video game addiction.

Be prepared for him to be in denial. 

He may not realize the impact his gaming has had on you.  So, tell him, but do so in a way that doesn’t place the blame on him. 

Place the blame on his addiction.

If you have chosen not to stay if he doesn’t seek help, make it clear to him that he has the choice to get help or lose you and your marriage.

But be prepared to follow through if he isn’t ready to accept that he is truly addicted.

How Do You Overcome Video Game Addiction?

How do you deal with video game addiction if your spouse does admit that he is addicted?

If you’re as lucky as I was and your “intervention” is successful, you’ll want to be prepared with information for your husband about how to quit his video game addiction.

OLGA is a great resource for him too.

Like AA, OLGA has meetings for addicts, and they are available nightly.

OLGA also has a 12-step program for addicts, and they can even get their own sponsor to help them through this process of video game addiction recovery. 

There is a public forum for video game addicts, as well as a private one.

Keep in mind that his recovery is his. 

You can be supportive by pointing him in the right direction to find help, offering him encouragement, telling him you are proud of him and helping him to celebrate his video game sobriety (you could even buy some recovery chips for him).

But it is up to him to do the work himself.  

While he focuses on his recovery, make sure you continue to focus on taking care of yourself too.

My Husband Would Rather Play Video Games Than Spend Time with Me

My husband’s addiction to gaming started before we lived together, but at the time I didn’t realize it.

There were times he would game when I was at his house, but it mostly only happened when I bought him a new game. At that time, his gaming wasn’t a big issue in our relationship.

Then we moved in together

His gaming increased and our time together became almost no-existent.

For a while I tried to play with him, thinking we would at least be spending time together. While we were spending time in the same room, it was not the quality time I (or our relationship) needed.

A Husband Addicted to Video Games

His gaming didn’t change after the wedding, but it did get a bit better after we had kids.

At least for a while.

He agreed not to play games until the kids were in bed, so the gaming no longer started as soon as he got home from work.  Once the kids were in bed, that was his time to game though so we rarely spent any alone time together. 

Eventually he started playing games on his phone during the day.  Then, after a while, he started to play his games on the Xbox if the kids weren’t using it on the weekends.

But this point I really didn’t care if he was gaming earlier. 

Any emotional connection between us was long gone.

I tried gaming with him again for a while, but it didn’t do much to help rebuild a connection.  When we gamed together, we couldn’t have a meaningful conversation. 

I lost interest in the game, while he became more obsessed with it.

Video Games Ruined My Marriage

8 months ago, after 15 years of being together, our marriage fell apart.

The fighting had escalated to a point that neither of us could handle, so we began a healing separation. 

We both had things we needed to work on, for ourselves and our marriage, and thought having some time and space from each other would help us to do that.  When he moved out, he said he would be so busy he wouldn’t have time for gaming.

3 months later he was back to gaming all the time.

We had made no progress on working on our marriage and were fighting just as much as we had been before he moved out.

“You Need to Quit Gaming”

When I first confronted my husband about gaming too much, I referred to it as a video game addiction. 

I was only using the word addiction to emphasize that his gaming was excessive.  But his reaction to the idea that I wanted him to quit (and the huge fight that caused) made me realize that maybe this was more than just an obsessive hobby.

I did some research on video game addiction, sent him some articles and a self-test.

After answering yes to nearly all of the questions he agreed that his gaming was an issue and that he would quit. He even bought an online course on quitting video games to help him through it.

6 weeks later I found out he was still gaming.

We fought on and off for another 6 weeks, breaking up and making up. When we would make up, I would believe him that he was going to quit gaming this time.

Then we had a big fight and he again admitted he was still playing games, if not on the Xbox then on his phone.  He admitted he hadn’t gone a week without playing a game. 

He also admitted that he had no intention of giving up gaming forever, he was just taking a break.

Video Game Addiction is Real

I realized I needed to learn more about video game addiction and found the OLGA website.

I finally realized that this was a true addiction and that he had no control over his gaming.

I read about enabling and realized why even our separation hadn’t been enough to make him quit. 

He could spend time with his family when wanted to, then go home and game.  He still wasn’t able to see the impact of his gaming and what he was at risk of losing.

I decided I was not willing to continue to live this way.  I had already spent most of our marriage feeling neglected.

I was not going to be a gamer widow, even if that meant giving up on my marriage.

A Video Game Addiction Intervention

I read through the forums and resources on OLGA and read some other articles about addiction in general.  I prepared what I was going to say and asked my husband if we could talk.

I told him that his gaming was a real addiction, as real as alcohol or gambling addictions.

I told him I could no longer be with him if he chose to continue gaming. 

No more date nights or spending time together. No more family outings together.  No more holidays together.  No more seeing the kids every night. 

No more healing separation.

I told him when he could admit that he was addicted and seek help for it, I would be supportive of his efforts.  But if he didn’t, I would no longer be married to him and that meant we start living like we were divorced.

He Chose to Quit Gaming

Initially he was in denial and a bit shocked by everything I had said.

It took until the next day for it to sink in for him.

It was less than two weeks until Christmas, and the realization that he would be spending it without his family helped him see what he was going to lose if he didn’t admit he had a problem.

He stopped gaming the day after I confronted him about his addiction.

He got a sponsor from OLGA and started working through the 12-step program.  He attended the online chat meetings every night initially, and continues to go when he needs to now.  

I know it hasn’t been easy for him.  He quit something that had been a big part of his life for so long.  I know he is still struggling with it.

But he chose to quit.  

We still have a lot of work to do on our relationship.  

It will take time to rebuild an emotional connection that was lost so long ago.

It will take time for me to work through all the resentment from years of feeling neglected too.  But at least now I understand that he wasn’t choosing to neglect our relationship. 

It wasn’t that my husband would rather play video games than spend time with me. 

He couldn’t control it.

Video games ruined my marriage, but understanding video game addiction is helping me and my husband repair it.

Right now, my husband has been video game free for 7 weeks.

Once he has come further in his recovery, I plan to write another post about video game addiction and recovery from his perspective, to help all the other wives who are dealing with this.

Follow me on Facebook to see when I post it.

If you have any questions you would like to ask a husband addicted to video games, leave a comment and I will include his answer in the updated post.  If you’ve dealt with video game addiction in your marriage, what you did to get through to your husband?