Trial or Healing Separation Agreement

Whether you’re planning on doing a temporary separation to save your marriage or just doing a typical trial separation to figure out if you even want to, it’s important that you and your spouse can agree to some rules before you part ways.

In temporary separations (like a therapeutic separation or healing separations) that are meant to help work on fixing the marriage, a healing separation agreement is pretty much a requirement.  But even if you’re doing a typical trial separation to figure out what you want to do, having some trial separation rules can save you and your spouse from creating more conflict and hurting each other.

Maybe you’ve stumbled across this post because you’ve already separated from your spouse, without any planning besides getting away from each other, and now you’re trying to figure out what the rules of separation in marriage even are. 

Last week, I talked about temporary separations.  I explained all the different names, beyond the typical trial separation, that have been given to these temporary separations.  I explained how they are aimed at working on the marriage and how you can save a marriage after separation. 

And of course, I talked about the importance of having a temporary separation plan.

What I didn’t mention was that even the most well-planned healing separation agreement may end up needing some revisions once the separation has started. The husband and I spent two weeks planning out our healing separation agreement.  We had all the details worked out before he left. 

Within a week, it had all fallen apart. 

While we had thought that we had planned out all the details, we had really only planned an outline of what we would be doing.  We had failed to write out the actual details of what we would be working on and how we would be working on it.

Of course, that lead to some confusion, with neither of us really knowing what we were doing or what we were supposed to be working on.  Add to that confusion the emotional impact that separating had on both of us and it made for a pretty stressful time in our lives.

While this healing separation was supposed to put an end to all the fighting, we spent the first month of it fighting even more than we had before.  It was a month full of ups and downs, with one or both of us at times thinking the separation would end up being permanent. 

But we got through it. 

Now that our emotions have settled down and we have had a chance to sit back down together and iron out all the details in our healing separation plan, we are both on the same page about how we will be fixing our marriage during this separation. 

So, whether you’re in the process of planning for your separation, or you have already started and realized that you need to put some trial separation rules in place, here are some things that should be included in your marriage separation agreement. 

Custody (If There Are Children)

The first thing you need to figure out is what you will be doing to make sure this has as little of a negative impact on your kids as is possible.

Having adequate time with both parents will make this easier for them.

For some families shared custody may work.  For others, it may be easier on the kids to keep things consistent if they are used to being home with one parent while the other is working. 

If shared custody won’t work for you, make a consistent visitation schedule for the parent who won’t have the kids most of the time.  Every other weekend is a great place to start, but make sure you include some weekday visits too.

It may also make things easier on the kids if they are still able to communicate with the parent they are not with full time every day, whether it’s in person or over the phone just to say goodnight. 

The Husband and I agreed that he would take both kids every other weekend (plus for a full week in the summer to give this mom a break).  He also takes each kid individually one night a week, so we both get someone on one time with each of them.  Plus, the kids get to say goodnight to him every night since he has continued to come over and walk the dog to help me out. 

Living Arrangements

Who Is Moving Out?

When kids are involved it is best to keep them in the home they are used to if possible.

Of course, finances will also play a big role in deciding who will be staying in the family home, since the one who stays will need to be able to afford to continue paying the rent/mortgage and other household bills.

Where Will The Partner Who Moves Out Be Living?

Finances will impact where the partner who moves out ends up living too.  Can you afford to rent an apartment?  Will it be a one or two-bedroom, or can you only afford a bachelor?  If you can’t even afford that is there a friend or family member you can rent a room from?

Where Will The Kids Stay When They Are With The Partner Who Moves Out?

If you have agreed to do shared custody than the parent who moves out will need to make sure they are living somewhere that the kids will have their own rooms.  If you are just doing every other weekend (or a similar type of visitation schedule) a one-bedroom apartment will be fine for a kid or two.

If all you can afford is a bachelor or you are staying with a friend or family member and won’t be able to have the kids there, then you could consider sharing the family home based on the visitation schedule.  For example, mom could stay in the home with the kids during the week but then go stay with family on dad’s weekend so he can stay in the family home with the kids. 

What Will The Partner Moving Out Need To Take With Them?

If the goal of your healing separation is to save your marriage then it really isn’t necessary to divide all your belongings.  But you still need to make sure that both partners have everything they need to live comfortably.

While we had enough of most things for The Husband to move into a one-bedroom apartment, we did have to spend a bit of money to make it feel like home for him.  Aside from the smaller household items we didn’t have double of, the only major purchase he had to make was getting a couple of futons for him and the kids to sleep on (and once the summer heat hit an air conditioner). 

Finances

Planning out finances can be a bit trickier, especially if this was a source of conflict in your marriage, as it often can be for couples.

How Will You Pay Two Sets of Bills?

Will each partner just pay the expenses of where they are living, or will this put an unfair burden on one partner.  The monthly costs of a 3-bedroom house will be far more than a bachelor apartment.  How will you divide out the monthly expenses so neither partner faces financial hardship? 

What About the Costs Of Raising The Children? 

Since this is a temporary separation you don’t need to stick with the typical separation arrangements where one spouse just pays child support (unless that works best for you).  Work together to ensure that the children will have everything they need during this time, so there is minimal impact on them.

Will You Continue to Discuss Finances and Large Purchases?

Again, this could be difficult if money was a sour spot in your marriage.

Regardless of what your financial situation is, either together or apart, this isn’t the time for either partner to go on a huge spending spree. That doesn’t mean either of you should be going without any necessities either though. 

While giving each partner the opportunity to manage their own finances can be important for personal growth, it may be a good idea to set some spending limits.  You may want to consider setting a rule that neither partner will make purchases over a specified amount without discussing it first.

The Husband and I both agreed (and put in our healing separation agreement) that we would both live as frugally as possible, without allowing it to have a huge impact on our lifestyle or the kids.  We also agreed that any purchase over $50 would be discussed in advance. 

A Timeline

Figuring out the exact timeline for your separation isn’t easy.  Really, how are you supposed to know how long it will be before you are ready to live together again?

The general recommendation for healing separations is that they are no more than 6 months. 

While a shorter timeframe will obviously increase your chances of reconciliation after separation, if yours ends up being longer than those 6 months there is no need to panic.  Research at the University of Ohio found that the average length of a separation that resulted in reconciliation was 2 years. 

I’m not recommending that you plan for yours to be two years, I’m just saying that there is still hope for saving a marriage after separation if it lasts longer than the recommended 6 months. 

While you don’t want to plan for your separation to be too long, you also don’t want to plan for it to be too short either.  It may take a month or two just to get used to living apart.  You need to ensure that you will have enough time to work on the things you want to, but keep it short enough that you will be motivated to get to work right away. 

While having a general timeline for your separation is important, it’s also equally important to realize that you need to be flexible with this timeline. 

Planning for a range of time, like 3-6 months or 6-12 months, maybe a more realistic way to plan for how long your separation will last.  Or you may just need to agree that the timeline can be changed if needed later on. 

Initially, The Husband and I agreed to a 6-12-month timeline for our healing separation.  However, a few weeks into it we realized that 12 months would be too long.  So, we changed it to 6 months, while both still realizing that this was a rough timeline and not an exact date. 

Legal Plans

Generally, it is recommended that both partners agree not to file for divorce during the separation. 

Depending on where you live, filing for divorce may not even be an option during your separation.  For example, in Ontario where I live, you can’t even file for divorce until you have been legally separated (which only means living apart) for a year. 

You may still want to consider how you would feel if your spouse were to contact a lawyer to discuss his/her options during your separation.  While your spouse may not be able to start the proceeding for divorce, would knowing they talked to a lawyer make you feel uncomfortable?  Would that affect your confidence in your healing separation?

Both partners need to feel comfortable and confident in the healing separation process, so it’s important that the option to allow or agree not to consult with a lawyer (or undertake any other legal proceedings) during the length of the separation be included in your trial separation rules. 

Confidentiality

Separating to work on your marriage is a personal situation between your partner and you.  The details really aren’t anyone else’s business.

However, you won’t be able to hide the fact that you no longer live together from people you are close to.  It may be noticeable when your friends come to visit that half of your furniture is gone.  And if you have kids you can expect them to tell Grandma, their teacher, and possibly all your neighbors.

While you won’t be able to hide the fact that you have separated, you still can choose how much and what information you share with others in your life.  While you may be open to sharing all the details of your plan with your friends, your spouse may not be comfortable with that.  It’s important that you come to an agreement about what you will be telling people, and who you will be telling.

You may also want to include who you are each able to talk to more openly about it.  Separations are rough, even when the goal is to work things out.  You both will need to have supportive people in your lives to talk to about it.  Decide ahead of time who you are both comfortable with the other person divulging more details to.

The Husband and I both agreed to a general statement along the lines of “we are temporarily separating to work on our marriage together”.  We also agreed that we would emphasis that “we are both viewing this as a positive experience for us to both work on our own personal growth as well as our marriage”, so people wouldn’t view this as something negative. 

We agreed that we could provide more details to a few close family/friends that we each considered a supportive person in our lives.

Other Relationships

Now before we get into the details of how you will be working on yourselves and your marriage, we need to address what I feel is counterproductive if you intend on working on your marriage.

Trial separation dating.

It seems like it should be a given that working on your marriage shouldn’t involve dating someone else too.  I mean, really, how does spending time building a connection with someone new help fix the connection with your spouse?

However, this is something that was included in the book Should I Stay Or Go?: How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage, by Lee Raffel.  To my surprise, her recommendation was that if the couple didn’t agree on this issue, the spouse who wants the freedom to date others wins. 

Personally, I disagree with that recommendation.  I can’t imagine reconciling with my husband knowing he slept around while we were apart.  For me, that would only add more conflict and resentment to our marriage. 

Often in a regular trial separation, this is overlooked.  While one spouse may feel that the separation is meant to give each other space to work on themselves and the marriage, the other may feel that this “break” from each other allows them to hook up with whoever they want.

A lot of heartaches can be avoided by making sure this is included in your trial separation rules. 

Luckily, The Husbands feelings on this were the same as mine, so our healing separation agreement included that we would both remain both sexually and emotionally monogamous.  

Goals

OK, now that all the technical details of the healing separation have been worked out, its time to start planning what you will be working on.  This is the part about what you need to do to save a marriage after separation.

The first step for that is writing out what the goals of your separation are.

While the main goal may be working on the issues in your marriage, you need to be a bit more specific than that.  There are also likely some personal goals you each have too.  

Here are some ideas to get you started

• To build a stronger emotional connection with each other
• To take a break from the everyday stresses that impact our relationship
• To provide time for each partner to reflect on the past hurts in their marriage and heal from them
• To provide space to work on each person’s personal growth
• To provide time to discover what each partner wants in a marriage
• To provide time to discover what each partner needs from their spouse
• To work on the issues that each partner brings to the marriage
• To learn better communication and conflict resolution skills
• To learn how to be a better spouse
• To experience the stresses of being single
• To learn new skills

Remember this healing separation agreement is yours, so only use these as a guideline and make sure that your goals are based on what you need, your spouse needs and what needs to be worked on for your relationship.

The Husband and I were able to use some goals that we had read, but found a way to word them to suit what we were trying to do and what we both wanted to be working on. 

Communication

How Often Will You Talk?

While the point of the healing separation is to provide time and space, unlike a typical trial separation there still needs to be consistent contact between you and your spouse.

Often, one spouse will want more communication than the other, so this is why it’s important to agree on how often you will be communicating with each other.  A spouse who needs some space isn’t going to feel like they are getting it when their partner is calling to check in on them every day, or sending several texts.

How Will You Be Communicating?

How often you will talk isn’t the only part of communication that needs to be discussed.  You should also decide on how you will be communicating.  If you agree to talk twice a week, will this be in person or by phone?

What about texting?  Is it OK to send an occasional text to see how your spouse’s day is going? 

What Will You Be Discussing?

What will these regular phone calls or in-person talk times be about?  Will you be discussing what you are each working on?  Will you be discussing the kids?  Is this time strictly going to be for rebuilding the connection?  Are you allowed to discuss any of the problems in your marriage?

Make It Flexible

While initially, one spouse may feel like they need a lot of alone time, this could change once they get it.  Be flexible and realize that the amount of communication will likely change as you adjust to your separation and again as you begin to get closer to reconciliation.

The Husband and I initially thought that having no communication for the first few weeks would be best, to allow us both time to cool off a bit.  However, this ended up being harder than we thought and by the end of the first week, we had made plans to talk.

While it took a bit of readjusting and changes to our level of communication, now that we are on our second month of this healing separation, we have found a communication schedule that works well for us.

Time Together

Another key difference between the healing separation and a typical trial separation is that the healing separation has a focus on rebuilding the emotional connection.  To do this you have to be spending quality time together. 

Regular date nights are a great way to spend some quality time together.  Just like communication, how often this will happen should be agreed upon in advance.  It may also be helpful to agree on who will be planning which dates, so that the responsibility doesn’t always fall on the same person.

Of course, if the expense of a babysitter makes this a difficult way to spend time together, there are lots of ideas out there for at-home date nights too. 

While going on a date is a great way to reconnect, often just scheduling out time to be together and talk (without talking about the relationship problems) can be just as good.  If a lack of emotional connection is one of the issues in your marriage, planning time to snuggle together on the couch and talk about your hopes and dreams may be more productive than a dinner date. 

The Husband and I agreed on a schedule of going out on a date every other weekend and planning an at-home date night after the kids were in bed on the opposite weekends.  We also agreed to get together once a week to work on rebuilding the connection. 

Sex

You already know my opinion about having sex with other people (again, stupid idea), but what about having sex with your spouse?

There are obvious advantages to continuing to have a sexual relationship with your spouse during your healing separation.  It can help you continue to feel connected, it can help rekindle the feelings you have for your partner that you have forgotten in the midst of all the problems, and it may help relieve some of the tension between the two of you.

But, if the sex is nothing more than getting your physical needs met, it may be better to hold off on it.  Continuing to have meaningless sex likely won’t help repair the disconnect in your marriage.

While some people may feel it’s better to wait until they feel an emotional connection with their partner to resume having sex with them, others may feel that having sex will help to build that emotional connection back up.

Regardless of what you decide, it’s important to make sure you both agree on this decision, as well as how much other physical contact (kissing, hugging, holding hands) you are both comfortable with.  Neither partner should ever feel forced to have more contact than they are comfortable with. 

Working on the Marriage

While the quality time together will help to rebuild the connection between you and your spouse, it won’t necessarily fix the problems that lead you to separate.  You’ll need to plan out what you are actually doing to fix your marriage.

The details of this will be different for everyone, but make sure you do plan out the details.  Having a vague outline of how you are working on your marriage may lead to one partner having expectations that the other partner isn’t aware of.

It’s important to not only plan out what specifically you will be working on, but also how you will be working on it.

Decide if you will be attending marriage counseling, and when you will start it. 

Another way you can work on your marriage is by reading marriage books (or listening to them together with audible).  Here are the books I found most helpful so far.

• The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman (one of the most popular marriage books)
• The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman (the other most recommended marriage book, which also includes some activities for couples to do)
• How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn
• It’s (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them by Robert Mark Alter

Some other options are listening to podcasts about marriage (like The One Extraordinary Marriage Show or The Save the Marriage Podcast) online marriage resources (like the Save the Marriage System), or even finding marriage retreats (or planning a DIY retreat) or workshops to attend.

There may be things that you need to work on individually as well.

Initially, the Husband and I were pretty vague in this section of our healing separation agreement.  We both knew the things that we needed to be working on, but we hadn’t really written them down, or even figured out how we would work on them. 

Now we have planned out what we are working on and how we will work on it, at least for now.  Once we have finished what we have both agreed to do right now, we will discuss it again and decide what we will work on next, and how to work on it.

Personal Growth

While the primary goal may be to work on the issues in the marriage and rebuild a connection with each other, personal growth is just as important.  Often when our marriage becomes stale, we have also hit a point where our personal growth has stalled.

If you aren’t enjoying your life in general, it may be hard to be happy in your marriage.  So, figure out what you need to do for yourself to be living a happy life. 

While the things you are doing to work on your marriage should be planned together, each spouse’s personal growth is up to them.  You don’t necessarily need to include the details of them in your healing separation agreement, but it is good to decide and agree on at least sharing and discussing them with each other.

Some of your personal growth may be learning the skills you need to be a better Wife/Husband.  Some may be things you need to do to be happier with your life outside the marriage. 

Either way sharing your personal goals with your spouse, your plans to achieve your goals and updating them on your progress is a great way to help build that emotional connection.

Renegotiations

Even the most well thought out and detailed plan will need to be revised. 

You may find it helpful to have regularly scheduled times to re-evaluate your plan.  Or maybe you would rather leave it open to be revisited when either of you feels it is needed.  Either way, write that into your plan.

Remembering that your plan is a flexible document is important. 

Obviously, when you start making this plan you will be doing so when things in your marriage aren’t going well.  As things start to settle down, and you get through some of the initial emotions of the marriage problems and separation, the things you want to achieve with your separation may change.

The Husband and I have already redone our healing separation agreement twice, and we are only on the sixth week of our separation.  Once we actually started this separation, we realized that some things hadn’t been well planned and that our feelings on some things had changed already.

Ending the Separation

Finally, you may want to include a section in your healing separation agreement (or trial separation rules) about what will happen when your temporary separation comes to an end.

How will you know you are ready to start living together again?  Will you take it slow and start with just a weekend or do a trial run of living together for a week first?  Are there any specific goals that must be accomplished before you are ready to live together as husband and wife again?

Planning out your healing separation agreement can be a difficult process.  Trying to agree on all the things you will be working on while you are apart can be challenging when you and your spouse have reached this point in your marriage. 

However, it is important that you are both on the same page. 

Without these trial separation rules, you are really just separating.  Saving a marriage after separation is possible, as long as you can agree with your partner about how you are going to do it.

The healing separation agreement allows both partners to give input and agree on all the things that are needed to save their marriage and ensure both partners know what they need to be working on.

 

Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook for updates about my experience with a healing separation and other marriage tips as I continue to learn how to save my marriage and live a happier and healthier life.

Have you done a healing separation or a trial separation with rules?  What types of things did you include in your agreement? Can you add any advice about saving a marriage after separation based on your experience?